A Reasonable Suggestion

By Wills McWilliams

Currently, my beloved and wonderful country has had its name sullied by the godless, child-abusing, pot-smoking, Christian-hating Islamo-fascists in the Liberal Media. Because of these un-America, anti-Nationalist dissenters selling out beautiful nation directly into the hands of our non-Anglo-Saxon or protestant enemy, the recruits for our just war of neoliberalis---erm, Democracy are at an all-time low! However, to add insult to injury, our cities our overrun with urban youth disobeying the commanding heights. Thus, I thought to myself: “there must be some possible way to solve both of these problems at once.” Then, with the equivalent force of lobbyists in the House of Representatives, it hit me: we conscript these ne’er-do-wells to fight for God and country in the Middle East!

            My plan would go as follows: any poor child caught breaking the law in any way, or failing to obtain excellent grades, will be shipped to the front lines of Iraq immediately, with inadequate armor or ammunition of any variety. If that does not scare the miscreants straight, nothing will. Of course, this would not apply to affluent children such as my own. While this may seem ‘racist’ or ‘classist’ to some of you aforementioned islamo-fascists, who undoubtedly stole this from its rightful owner, I can assure you, 110%, that it is not in any way, shape or form; the benefits of following such a plan as I have described will be explained in detail below.

            Firstly, as was my first statement, a reasonable plan such as forced conscription to less affluent children who step out of line would provide God’s favorite nation’s army with a little extra muscle. As I have also detailed, voluntary recruits to the paradigm of modern military muscle is down due to the dastardly and slanderous deceits of the media; thus, Uncle Sam and the ol’ boys could use some help. And now, with George W. Bush’s declaration of more troops being dumped into the degenerating Iraq, such a proposal as my own would be accepted with open arms and wallets.

            Secondly, sending the undisciplined and uncontrollable youth to the army would actually benefit them. In fact, those who did not come home in a box would be the paradigm of discipline and self-restraint. In the army they would learn the skills traditional school would not teach them, such as how to follow orders. While some may argue that these boys were born to be undisciplined, I can assure you that would not be the case; nothing whips a young man into shape as quickly as being shot at!

            Thirdly, these young men are the perfect soldiers. They have spent most of their youths using firearms, hence, conscription to the army would be nothing more than a change of scenery and an upgrade of hardware.

            Fourthly, if my plan were to be implemented in the manner that I have suggested, urban crime and High School dropout rates would plummet faster than the United States’ credibility on the world stage. This will occur simply due to that fact that those who would be committing the crimes and ruining education would be fighting and dying for an unclear cause on foreign soil! A down side to this does not exist.

            While, once again, some of those who are ready this may find my proposition and supporting reasons to be ‘horrible,’ I can guarantee that they are in fact one-hundred percent air-tight and logical. Other solutions to both of these issues such as better education: simply pulling out of the war: providing support and aid to these unfortunate children have all been suggested and shot down, like a plane over Kosovo. Ergo, the only option is to move to slightly more radical, but completely logical suggestions such as my own.